Overcoming My Motherhood Struggle

Like many people during the 2008 real estate crash, I lost almost everything financially,

I sat alone in my modest Santa Monica, Calif., apartment at the kitchen table staring at my bank account that had a few thousand dollars left in it and more than $20,000 in credit card debt and over $100,000 in loans from family.

My mind ran on and on:
How am I going to pay my rent?
And the car payment, insurance, utilities, groceries, providing for my two children?
What if I fail?
What if we lose it all?
“What will my kids think of me?
Will they think me weak?
Like a flop?

It was too much pressure.

And outside I was trying to hold it all together. Inside I was breaking down.

I was emotionally, intellectually and physically drained. My neurological system was always on edge. My mind was filled with anxiety. I felt lost and alienated from myself, stuck in survival mode.

My connection with my son was going to hell. We were fighting virtually every day and the strain started to effect the whole household including his relationship with his sister. I felt so lonely that sometimes I asked myself if life was worth living.

But I knew I couldn’t leave my children, even in the worst times. They had to have me with them. Somewhere in the depths of me a small part of me still felt that there must be another way to live.

That was the breaking point that started my change.

To find some relief, I started spending time meditating, reflecting and going for long walks in nature. What began as an escape from my pain slowly turned into an inside journey that demanded that I confront the emotional wounds, limiting beliefs, survival strategies, and inner conflicts I carried for years.

I started to realize that burnout wasn’t just about doing too much.

It was about getting lost in the struggle to survive, to succeed, to hold it all together.

Something inside me began to alter via deep inner work, emotional healing, subconscious rewiring, nervous system control and reconnecting to my values and authentic self.

I began to feel present for the first time in years.
Quieter.
More down to earth
More emotionally liberated.

I learnt how to not live in continual fear and pressure.
I learnt how to live with uncertainty without going insane.
I learned to connect with myself beyond achievement, survival and external validation.

My outside life started to alter as I changed on the inside.

My bond with my son was different. We gained greater understanding, respect and connection instead of perpetual fighting. We learned to respect one other’s differences and today I am so pleased of the thoughtful and growing young man he is becoming.

My bond with my daughter, which was always kind and caring, grew more intense and significant. I am just as pleased of the strong, resilient and grounded lady she is becoming.”

As I moved into life with more clarity, emotional stability and self-trust, not fear and survival, even my financial life started to get better.

Today I wake up with a purpose and with a gratitude for life.

Not because everything was beautiful but because I was finally back with myself.

Today, it’s the travel that inspires my work.

Now I work with high achieving women to heal burnout at the root by shifting the emotional patterns, limiting beliefs and survival training that keep them mired in weariness, overwhelm and separation from themselves.

Because I know what it's like to lose yourself.

And I know too what it is to come home to yourself again.